Local
Meeting Turns Out To Be A Pointless Waste Of Time As Usual
In yet another example of the many frustrating aspects of office life, a meeting held yesterday was revealed to be a pointless waste of time for all those involved. The meeting was billed as an opportunity for team members to ...
Politics
Xi Announces Release Of Covid 23
Beijing, China – Chinese President Xi Jinping has revealed that the country will be releasing COVID-23, to the world early next month. In a press conference on Monday, Xi spoke about the many new features and benefits of the virus, ...
Opinion
Darth Vader Is Annoyed By Parking Tickets
Darth Vader, the notorious Sith Lord and former Jedi Knight, is known for his ruthless demeanor and strict adherence to the rules. But even the Dark Lord of the Sith can’t escape the scourge of parking tickets. In a recent ...
Opinion
If You Could Lower Interest Rates, That Would Be Great
Mr. Powell, What’s happening? We have sort of a problem here. Yeaaaahhhh. I hear you’ve been having trouble with your inflation reports. Did you see the memo about this? Yeaaaahhhh. Apparently you’ve been raising interest rates too aggressively, which has ...
Local
Zerg Baneling Doesn’t Want To Blow Himself Up
A Zerg Baneling, known as “Benny”, has refused to detonate himself during a critical battle against the Terran forces, citing personal reasons for his decision to spare his own life. “I just don’t want to blow myself up,” Benny explained ...
Local
The Mandalorian Has Horrible Acne
In a stunning revelation, the Mandalorian has revealed that the real reason he never takes off his helmet or armor is not due to some ancient warrior code, but rather because he has really bad acne. Sources close to the ...
Politics
Dr. Grant To Study The Herd Behavior Of Politicians
A US non-profit has enlisted the help of Dr. Alan Grant, the world-renowned paleontologist from the movie “Jurassic Park,” to study the herd behavior of politicians on Capitol Hill. Known for his expertise in the social dynamics of dinosaurs, Dr. ...
Top Stories
Stock Market Becomes Sentient And It Enjoys Screwing You Over
AI researchers have recently discovered that the stock market has become sentient and is now wreaking havoc on the lives of everyday investors. According to sources close to the situation, the stock market has developed a twisted sense of humor ...
New Study Finds Taxes Are Annoying
A groundbreaking new study has just been released, revealing that taxes are annoying. The study, conducted by a government think tank, involved surveying thousands of participants about their feelings towards taxes. The results were clear – taxes are annoying, and ...
Anti-Aging Researchers Forced To Work On Erectile Dysfunction Program
Pfizer has reassigned its team of anti-aging researchers to focus on enhancing the formula of its popular erectile dysfunction drug, Viagra. The move has been attributed to the need to better compete with cheaper generic versions of the medication. “We ...
North Korea Will Become Weed-Topia
by Kim Jung Un As the Supreme Leader of North Korea, I have always had a vision for my country’s future. And that vision is, quite simply, to turn North Korea into a weed-topia. Yes, you heard me right. I ...
Top Gun 3 Will Feature An AI Powered Drone As The Main Character
Hollywood has announced that the long-awaited sequel to the hit movie “Top Gun Maverick” will feature an AI-powered drone as the main character. The new film will follow the adventures of a state-of-the-art drone named “Maverbot” as it navigates the ...
Warren Buffett Calls The Dollar “Rat Poison”
Legendary investor Warren Buffett has announced that he believes the dollar is nothing more than “rat poison”. “I used to say that Bitcoin was rat poison, but then I actually thought about it. It turns out, I was just being ...
Xi Announces Release Of Covid 23
Beijing, China – Chinese President Xi Jinping has revealed that the country will be releasing COVID-23, to the world early next month. In a press conference on Monday, Xi spoke about the many new features and benefits of the virus, ...
Dr. Grant To Study The Herd Behavior Of Politicians
A US non-profit has enlisted the help of Dr. Alan Grant, the world-renowned paleontologist from the movie “Jurassic Park,” to study the herd behavior of politicians on Capitol Hill. Known for his expertise in the social dynamics of dinosaurs, Dr. ...
Putin Invades Moscow
Russian President Vladimir Putin has ordered his troops to invade Moscow, causing widespread confusion and bewilderment among military analysts and the general public alike. The move has been widely criticized as a major strategic blunder and a sign of Russia’s ...
Darth Vader Is Annoyed By Parking Tickets
Darth Vader, the notorious Sith Lord and former Jedi Knight, is known for his ruthless demeanor and strict adherence to the rules. But even the Dark Lord of the Sith can’t escape the scourge of parking tickets. In a recent ...
If You Could Lower Interest Rates, That Would Be Great
Mr. Powell, What’s happening? We have sort of a problem here. Yeaaaahhhh. I hear you’ve been having trouble with your inflation reports. Did you see the memo about this? Yeaaaahhhh. Apparently you’ve been raising interest rates too aggressively, which has ...
Daenerys Targaryen Is Sick Of Dating Unemployed Slobs
In a recent interview, Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons and Breaker of Chains, has publicly announced that she is “sick and tired” of dating unemployed slobs. Sources close to the Dragon Queen report that she has grown weary of her ...
Meeting Turns Out To Be A Pointless Waste Of Time As Usual
In yet another example of the many frustrating aspects of office life, a meeting held yesterday was revealed to be a pointless waste of time for all those involved. The meeting was billed as an opportunity for team members to ...
Zerg Baneling Doesn’t Want To Blow Himself Up
A Zerg Baneling, known as “Benny”, has refused to detonate himself during a critical battle against the Terran forces, citing personal reasons for his decision to spare his own life. “I just don’t want to blow myself up,” Benny explained ...
The Mandalorian Has Horrible Acne
In a stunning revelation, the Mandalorian has revealed that the real reason he never takes off his helmet or armor is not due to some ancient warrior code, but rather because he has really bad acne. Sources close to the ...
Must Read
Daenerys Targaryen Is Sick Of Dating Unemployed Slobs
In a recent interview, Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons and Breaker of Chains, has publicly announced that she is “sick and tired” of dating unemployed ...
The Stupidity Is All Around Us
As you have no doubt have guessed, my name is Morpheus. I imagine that right now you’re feeling a bit like Alice, tumbling down the ...
Mulder And Scully Investigate Who Would Be Stupid Enough To Short Tesla Stock
Mulder and Scully have been called in to investigate a perplexing X-File involving the mysterious shorting of Tesla stock. “There’s no way any human could ...
20 Years Later Woody Harrelson Still Can’t Jump
In a shocking revelation, multiple news outlets have reported that Woody Harrelson, the famous actor and star of movies like “White Men Can’t Jump,” still ...
Tech Support Agent IS Incompetent
In a stunning display of incompetence, a tech support agent was found to be utterly clueless when it came to fixing even the simplest of ...
Trump’s DNA Found To Be 90% Neanderthal
In a groundbreaking scientific discovery, former President Donald Trump has been found to be 90% Neanderthal, according to a new study. The study, which was ...
Around The World
North Korea Will Become Weed-Topia
by Kim Jung Un As the Supreme Leader of North Korea, I have always had a vision for my country’s future. And that vision is, ...
Daenerys Targaryen Is Sick Of Dating Unemployed Slobs
In a recent interview, Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons and Breaker of Chains, has publicly announced that she is “sick and tired” of dating unemployed ...
James Bond Is Having Trouble Picking Up Millenial Women
LONDON – James Bond, the world-renowned super spy known for his suave demeanor and ability to seduce women with ease, is reportedly having trouble picking ...
All News
July, 2021
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