A US non-profit has enlisted the help of Dr. Alan Grant, the world-renowned paleontologist from the movie “Jurassic Park,” to study the herd behavior of politicians on Capitol Hill.
Known for his expertise in the social dynamics of dinosaurs, Dr. Grant immediately began his research, observing politicians in their natural habitat as they scurried from one meeting to the next.
“It’s fascinating,” he said, observing yet another vote on the floor that went entirely along party lines. “They’re moving in herds. They do move in herds.”
At first, many of the politicians were hostile to his presence, but over time they began to let their guard down, allowing him to observe more of their natural behavior. “They’re like raptors. They follow the pack leader. Any member who doesn’t fall in line gets punished.”
Dr. Grant’s insights quickly caught the attention of the media, who swarmed the Capitol in droves, eager to get a glimpse of the dinosaur expert in action. “His research is groundbreaking,” said one news anchor. “Finally, we have someone who can explain why politicians behave the way they do.”
Despite the attention, he has remained focused on his research, often disappearing for hours at a time to study the politicians from afar. “He’s like a modern-day Jane Goodall,” said one of his assistants. “Except instead of chimpanzees, he’s studying politicians. And instead of the jungle, he’s in the swamp.”
His work doesn’t come without dangers though.
In one intense exchange, Dr. Grant found himself in a hallway face to face with Mitch McConnell. “Don’t move,” he whispered to his assistant. “He can’t see us if we don’t move.” He lit a flare and tossed it into a nearby office. Luckily, Mitch McConnell took the bait and left the hallway. It was a close call, but Dr. Grant insists that the risks are worth it.
“We’re learning so much,” he said. “We’ve discovered that politicians are more intelligent than originally thought. Joe Biden has even learned how to open doors. It took him several hours, but he was able to figure out how to open a door all on his own, without any training.”
