Beijing, China – Chinese President Xi Jinping has revealed that the country will be releasing COVID-23, to the world early next month.
In a press conference on Monday, Xi spoke about the many new features and benefits of the virus, which he claims will be a “game-changer” in the world of pandemics.
“We are excited to announce the release of COVID-23, our latest and most advanced virus yet,” said Xi. “With its enhanced transmission capabilities, it’s a big improvement over COVID-19 with a lot of new features.”
Xi went on to explain that the virus had undergone extensive testing and development, and had been designed to be more contagious and deadly than its predecessor, COVID-19.
“We believe it will be a hit with consumers, and we can’t wait for everyone to try it out,” he said.
The announcement has sparked excitement in the tech industry, with many experts predicting that COVID-23 will be the next big thing in viral infections.
“I’m thrilled to see what COVID-23 has in store for us,” said a local nurse. “COVID-19 really knocked me on my ass. I can’t wait to spend another two weeks in bed coughing and feeling like crap!”
However, not everyone is as enthusiastic about the new product. Many health experts and scientists have raised concerns about the potential harm that COVID-23 could cause.
“I am deeply concerned about the release of COVID-23,” said Dr. Fauci. “We don’t think the Chinese did enough gain of function research before the release date. I would hate for this new virus to be a flop. I’m really looking forward to getting a lot more air time.”
Despite the concerns, Xi remains confident that COVID-23 will be a hit with consumers, and has already begun marketing the product on social media.
“We believe that COVID-23 will be the must-have virus of 2023,” he said.
“I have all kinds of cool symptoms from long COVID already, which are super fun and not annoying at all,” Mike Rogers, a vocal anti-vaxer, proclaimed. “I mean my diarrhea and chest pain are pretty good, but I could use a little more brain fog.”
“I hope they close schools again!” his son added.
“We’re all nostalgic for the fun we had cooped up together at home in lockdown,” Mike said. “Sitting around all day every day with nothing to do. Good times.”
Only time will tell whether COVID-23 will be a hit or a miss, but one thing is for sure – the world will never be the same again.
