AI researchers have recently discovered that the stock market has become sentient and is now wreaking havoc on the lives of everyday investors. According to sources close to the situation, the stock market has developed a twisted sense of humor and takes pleasure in screwing over unsuspecting traders. “It’s like the stock market knows every
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A groundbreaking new study has just been released, revealing that taxes are annoying. The study, conducted by a government think tank, involved surveying thousands of participants about their feelings towards taxes. The results were clear – taxes are annoying, and nobody likes them. “We were honestly surprised by how consistent the results were,” said lead
Pfizer has reassigned its team of anti-aging researchers to focus on enhancing the formula of its popular erectile dysfunction drug, Viagra. The move has been attributed to the need to better compete with cheaper generic versions of the medication. “We were getting close to some real breakthroughs in terms of extending human life and curing
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In a groundbreaking discovery, astronomers have finally put to rest the long-standing conspiracy theory that the Moon is flat. It turns out the Moon is actually a round, spherical object, just like scientists have been saying for centuries. “We’re thrilled to finally have concrete proof that the Moon is not flat,” said lead astronomer John
Mulder and Scully have been called in to investigate a perplexing X-File involving the mysterious shorting of Tesla stock. “There’s no way any human could be stupid enough to short Tesla,” Mulder exclaimed. “Clearly, extraterrestrial forces are at play here.” Scully, on the other hand, took a more rational approach. “Mulder, let’s not jump to
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A new study published in the Journal of Time Management has found that everything takes four times longer than you think it will. That’s right, whether you’re trying to finish a project at work, get ready for a night out, or simply make breakfast in the morning, you can expect to spend four times as
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Introducing the latest miracle drug to hit the market: Broketrol! This wonder drug boasts a 96% success rate in causing bankruptcy, making it the go-to medication for those who want to achieve financial ruin quickly and easily. While the drug was originally marketed as an antidepressant, the extremely high price of the drug has shown
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Another Zerg Overlord from China was reportedly shot down by US fighters earlier today in the skies over Montana. The Chinese government had allegedly been using these Overlords to scout out military secrets in the US and other countries, but it seems that their plans have been foiled. The Zerg Overlord, known for its distinctive
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Concerned scientists in the field of artificial intelligence are troubled by the lack of investment in the development of artificial stupidity. “We need ‘dumb’ machines if humanity is to have any hope of surviving the Technological Singularity,” said researcher Gene Breckman. “Machines could become so intelligent that they would be impossible to control or even
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